Jokes

Got any good jokes? Then e-mail me and I'll upload them......Remember that Inter Juniors may read them!!!

At the Doctors

Patient: 'Doctor, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'.'
Doctor: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome....'
Patient: 'Is it common?'
Doctor: ”It's not unusual....'

A Poorly Duck

A man took his old duck to the Veterinarian, concerned because the duck wouldn't eat. The Vet explained to the man that as ducks age their upper bills grow down over their lower bills, and make it difficult for the animal to pick up it's food.

"What you need to do is gently file the upper bill down, even with the lower bill. But you must be extra careful because the duck's nostrils are located in the upper bill and if you file down too far, when the duck takes a drink of water it'll drown."

The man goes about his business and about a week later the Vet runs into his patient.

"Well, how is that duck of yours?" the Vet inquires.

"He's dead." declared the heartbroken man.

"I told you not to file his upper bill down too far! He took a drink of water and drowned didn't he?" insisted the Vet.

"No." lamented the man.

"I think he was dead before I took him out of the vice."

The Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden...
“Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I is sure of eet.”
“Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee.”

So with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture… fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon - every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!

“Pepe, Pepe - we ees saved - eees a bacon tree!”

“Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don' forget.”

“Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell of bacon? Ees no meerage - ees a bacon tree.”

And with that, Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres - Pepe following closely behind - when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

“Pepe, go back man - you was right, ees not a bacon tree.”
“Luis, Luis, mi amigo… what ees eet?”
“Pepe, ees not a bacon tree… ees

ees

ees a Ham Bush.”

The Monk's Got It Wrong!

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!

In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing,

"We missed the R!....We missed the R!....We missed the R!"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was... CELEBRATE!"

Math's Homework - Primary School Style

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,

"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.

Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mum."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked

"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered,

"What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

It's Good To Share!

An elderly couple visit McDonalds. He orders one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife. He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them.

As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man says they are just fine - They are used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people notice the little old lady hasn't eaten a bite.

She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally takes turns sipping the drink. Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman says "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything." As the old man finishes and is wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old lady who has yet to eat a single bite of food and asks "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answers....

"THE TEETH."

The Cockerel

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud cockerel for his chicken coop. The new cockerel struts over to the old cockerel and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire." The old cockerel replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner? " The young cockerel says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over." The old cockerel says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." The young cockerel laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start." The old cockerel takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young cockerel takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young cockerel has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old cockerel and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the cockerels running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young cockerel to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Darn.....third gay cockerel I bought this month."

Moral of this story? ... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill and treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!

Women & Perfume

A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to an old woman in the corner and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, £100 an ounce!"

Another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, £150 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, turns and squeezes out a fart......"Broccoli - 49 pence a pound!"

The Frog

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the cashier. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(you're gonna love this)

(its a real treat)

(a masterpiece)

(wait for it)

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

THE SCOUSERS

Two Scousers are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool on a motorbike.

They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Scousers ask him for a lift.

He tells them that he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them.

He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it.

Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the Scousers he has to leave.
The Scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back with the 20,000 bowling balls, will he take them, so he agrees.

They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way.

By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down.
Sure enough PC Plod of Greater Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding.

The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies with sarcasm "Scouse eggs".

The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look.

He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it.
He rushes back to his cruiser and gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.

The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that he requires so many officers.

"I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have hatched and they've already managed to nick a motorbike".

THE BLONDE SPEEDER

A blonde woman was speeding down the road on her little red sports bike
and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.
The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license.

She dug through her backpack and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied,
"It's square and it has your picture on it."

The biker blonde finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to
the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

LUNATIC ASYLUM

A man is strolling past a lunatic asylum when he hears a loud chanting.

"Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!" goes the noise from within the mental hospital's wards. The man's curiosity gets the better of him and he searches for a hole in the security fence. It's not long before he finds a small crack, so he leans forward and peers in. Instantly, someone jabs him in the eye. As he reels back in agony, the chanting continues:

"Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

THE BRAIN

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre.
I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure and very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. "After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "£ 5000 for a female brain, and £200 for a male brain."

The moment turned awkward. Women in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the men, but some actually smirked.
A woman unable to control her curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask;

"Why is the female brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the male brains, because they've actually been used."

THE CRASH

There I was, in my car, driving down the road, when my boss rang up and said, "We're making you Chief Area Salesman," and I swerved.

Ten minutes later, he called again, "You're now Deputy Area Manager," and I swerved again.

Another twenty minutes go by, and another phone call, "You're now Vice Chairman," and I swerved right off the road into a ditch.

When the police asked what had happened, I said, "I just

careered off the road."

THE FIREMAN

A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife:

Y'know sump tin, honey, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station...

>Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets.

>Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole.

>Bell 3 rings - we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go.

From now on, when I says,

>'Bell one,' I want you to strip naked.

>'Bell two,' you jump on de bed.

>'Bell tree,' we's gonna mek love all tru de night.

>> > >

The next night, he came home and shouted:

>'Bell One' and she stripped naked.

>'Bell Two' and she jumped on the bed.

>'Bell Tree' and they started to make love."

>> > >

>> > >After a few minutes, the wife yelled out: - "Bell Four!"

"What de hell is 'Bell Four', woman?" asked the astonished Jamaican.

She replied: -

>"Roll out more hose, man, you ain't nowhere near de fire!"

THE PARROT

A man walks into a store for some last-minute Christmas shopping, and sees a parrot for sale. He asks the clerk what the parrot's name is and the clerk tells him it's Chet. He also tells the man that this is one amazing parrot. If you put a match under his left foot, it sings "Jingle Bells," and if you put a match under its left foot, it sings "Deck the Halls."
The man thinks that is the coolest thing he's ever seen, so he decides to buy it for his wife. So he gets home, and puts it away. Then he wonders what will happen if he puts a match between its legs, so he tries it and the parrot starts singing "Chet's nuts roasting over an open fire..."

PEANUTS

A coach driver is driving with a bus load of pensioners down a motorway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of
peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and gives him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again, he asks the little old lady, "Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?"

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"

The old lady replied, "We just love sucking the chocolate off them."

THE CHANCER

A man boarded a plane at Sydney airport and, taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the aircraft.

He realised she was heading straight towards his seat, and bingo! She took the seat right beside him.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out: "Business trip or holiday?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in the United States."

The man swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer", she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

Really?" he smiled, "What myths are those?"

"Well", she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed.

"I'm sorry", she said. I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto", the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos but all my friends call me Paddy."

THE ELEPHANT WOMB?

Four farmers were seated at the bar in a tavern. At the table next to them sat a young girl.

The first man said, "I think it's WOOMB." The second replied, "No, it must be WOOOOMBH." The third said, "You both have it wrong -- it's WOOM." The fourth stated, "No, it has to be WOOMMMMBBB."

At this, the young lady could stand it no longer. She got up, walked over to the farmers and said, "Look, you hayseeds, it's WOMB. That's it, that's all there is to it." Then she left.

Eventually, one of the farmers broke the silence by saying, "Well, I don't know. A slip of a girl like that, I don't see how she could know. I'll bet she's never even heard an elephant fart!"